i have become obsessed over the years.
i notice them everywhere i go.
and wonder what kind of tree it is.
and think of how silly i am because i could just learn about them and know.
but instead i want someone to be able to tell me what they are.
i dont know why that is.
why i dont want to take in the info for myself.
but trees are beautiful.
and i love how each one is different.
unique in its self.
when i see a good tree.
my first thought is wow thats an amazing tree.
and my second is..it would look incredible on a bare hill by its self.
i dont know why i think that every time either.
except that one of my absolute favorite views is a wonderful tree standing alone at twilight.
it hits a nerve.
or a note.
makes my heart sing like few other things do.
and everywhere i go i look for climbing trees.
i love to climb a good tree, as high as i can.
and read a book or just sit and listen to music and look at the stars.
i dont know why the tree makes it so much better then being elsewhere.
but it does.
its my favorite place to talk to daddy.
i guess because people can walk by and never notice your there.
its peaceful.
trees.
even when its the dead of winter and they look like they are dead.
they live on.
(besides the really dead ones)
they are like us in that way.
we can walk through life looking and being completely drained on the outside.
but when you search deeper you find the reservoir of life.
of rejuvination.
of strength.
thats not our own.
beautiful.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
wishing i was with you
i struggle.
when there are deaths around me, all i want is to be in that persons place.
to be the one up in heaven.
not because its hard that that person is gone from this place.
but because i want so much to be with my daddy up in heaven.
to be done with this world.
i struggle.
to find reason to be happy with staying here.
to find reason to take on each day with the joys and pains.
not because i hate my life or anything.
but because i dont understand why we are here going through these steps.
when Daddy could just end it all now and bring us all to his kingdom.
i struggle.
to find words for the emotions i feel.
to find feelings for the emotions i feel.
not because they are so different from what others feel.
but because i dont understand them, or know how to release them.
all i can do is pray.
i struggle.
to stick with the life i was given.
to find purpose and meaning in each new day.
not because i want someone elses life.
but because i want someone elses death.
i want to be with the one that i love more then all else, whos love for me is uncomprehensible.
i struggle.
with not caring about life here on earth.
with not being happy, in every situation He places me in.
not because im heartless.
but because i wish i could fade away from this little place.
and appear at the incredible party with the love of my life.
thats where i want to be.
nothing else fills me like his love for me.
nothing else completes me.
nothing else come close to comparing with the joy i find with Him.
and how much greater that joy will be when we are together in His house.
when nothing separates us.
when there are deaths around me, all i want is to be in that persons place.
to be the one up in heaven.
not because its hard that that person is gone from this place.
but because i want so much to be with my daddy up in heaven.
to be done with this world.
i struggle.
to find reason to be happy with staying here.
to find reason to take on each day with the joys and pains.
not because i hate my life or anything.
but because i dont understand why we are here going through these steps.
when Daddy could just end it all now and bring us all to his kingdom.
i struggle.
to find words for the emotions i feel.
to find feelings for the emotions i feel.
not because they are so different from what others feel.
but because i dont understand them, or know how to release them.
all i can do is pray.
i struggle.
to stick with the life i was given.
to find purpose and meaning in each new day.
not because i want someone elses life.
but because i want someone elses death.
i want to be with the one that i love more then all else, whos love for me is uncomprehensible.
i struggle.
with not caring about life here on earth.
with not being happy, in every situation He places me in.
not because im heartless.
but because i wish i could fade away from this little place.
and appear at the incredible party with the love of my life.
thats where i want to be.
nothing else fills me like his love for me.
nothing else completes me.
nothing else come close to comparing with the joy i find with Him.
and how much greater that joy will be when we are together in His house.
when nothing separates us.
Monday, January 26, 2009
by my side..
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
I listen to that song as i made my blog. and when i heard the lyrics ill be by your side.. it hit me how much that little line plays into my life right now. not only is God by my side holding me up and walking with me through everything... but i now have 4 little ones by my side depending on me. so it goes both ways for me.
last night madi (2 1/2 yr old) was having a really rough night. she was exausted and sad because her mom and dad had left to go visit her little sisters in the hospital. this left me with little max, and a screaming/crying madi. i ended up snuggling with her in her parents bed. holding her as close as i could while singing softly in her ear. as she calmed down, i heard a little wisper. "im by your side" it hit me then, how many times my Daddy has done the exact same thing for me. He is my comforter. He cares for me more then i could ever care for madi. He has more patience then i could ever have. More love. I dont understand how he can love me so much. But im glad of that. I dont want to understand. Just like I dont understand my earth Daddys love for me. But Daddys love is so much greater then that. Day after day he draws me close, cuddling me to him, and sings beautiful songs of love. Even when the tears come and I dont know the reason for them, he knows, and he cries with me. how amazing. how wonderful. how loving!
i am leaving for Portland in two days to visit two of my wonderful roomies (out of 8 of us). i am very excited as we will also be attending a Generation Unleashed conference. such a blessing to see them and get to worship my heart out with so many others. God is doing something around here.. and im wondering how the conference will go. and whats going to stir in my heart.
lately i have felt very closed off and havent had a heart for anything, which is very strange for me. and it might just be because i am now so busy (and will only get busier) or it might be that God is preparing my heart of something. cleaning out the busy thoughts that generally spin through my mind, and making a blank slate. either way i feel very empty, not in a lonely kind of way, just a hallow heart and mind. I know the facts, im just lacking the feeling in relation to everything. luckly i have found excitement for my trip. although it is also hard for me to go as the family here will struggle more with me gone.
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
I listen to that song as i made my blog. and when i heard the lyrics ill be by your side.. it hit me how much that little line plays into my life right now. not only is God by my side holding me up and walking with me through everything... but i now have 4 little ones by my side depending on me. so it goes both ways for me.
last night madi (2 1/2 yr old) was having a really rough night. she was exausted and sad because her mom and dad had left to go visit her little sisters in the hospital. this left me with little max, and a screaming/crying madi. i ended up snuggling with her in her parents bed. holding her as close as i could while singing softly in her ear. as she calmed down, i heard a little wisper. "im by your side" it hit me then, how many times my Daddy has done the exact same thing for me. He is my comforter. He cares for me more then i could ever care for madi. He has more patience then i could ever have. More love. I dont understand how he can love me so much. But im glad of that. I dont want to understand. Just like I dont understand my earth Daddys love for me. But Daddys love is so much greater then that. Day after day he draws me close, cuddling me to him, and sings beautiful songs of love. Even when the tears come and I dont know the reason for them, he knows, and he cries with me. how amazing. how wonderful. how loving!
i am leaving for Portland in two days to visit two of my wonderful roomies (out of 8 of us). i am very excited as we will also be attending a Generation Unleashed conference. such a blessing to see them and get to worship my heart out with so many others. God is doing something around here.. and im wondering how the conference will go. and whats going to stir in my heart.
lately i have felt very closed off and havent had a heart for anything, which is very strange for me. and it might just be because i am now so busy (and will only get busier) or it might be that God is preparing my heart of something. cleaning out the busy thoughts that generally spin through my mind, and making a blank slate. either way i feel very empty, not in a lonely kind of way, just a hallow heart and mind. I know the facts, im just lacking the feeling in relation to everything. luckly i have found excitement for my trip. although it is also hard for me to go as the family here will struggle more with me gone.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Intro
A little about where I am at right now.
I have been living with this family (the Claytons) for 3 months now. I moved from MT to TX to come help their family as they embark on the great adventure of triplets! I came to lend a hand in the craziness, but find myself in a very new and different situation to any i have been in before. My home is my work, and my work my home.. makes things complicated sometimes. Its also teaching me so much, and making me have to rely on God to get me through each day. I don't have a car, and have a very busy schedule at the house, and find myself at times definitely needing room and air (to get away) but thats a lot easier said then done.
But that is a large part of where God is doing awesome things. He has brought me to a great church for young adults, and is helping me find my place there. It is the first church that i have ever sought to really be active in and change the lifes of those around me. I am very excited to see what God is going to do in me and in this place. Also, to see how he finds me the time to do things with the church, and ways to get to those things.
It's an adventure.. a different one then i pictured for myself, but one never the less. I like how Daddy does that, makes life more interesting. It will definitely be a year to remember. And we shall see how i do with blogging. I am a little ify about it.
I have been living with this family (the Claytons) for 3 months now. I moved from MT to TX to come help their family as they embark on the great adventure of triplets! I came to lend a hand in the craziness, but find myself in a very new and different situation to any i have been in before. My home is my work, and my work my home.. makes things complicated sometimes. Its also teaching me so much, and making me have to rely on God to get me through each day. I don't have a car, and have a very busy schedule at the house, and find myself at times definitely needing room and air (to get away) but thats a lot easier said then done.
But that is a large part of where God is doing awesome things. He has brought me to a great church for young adults, and is helping me find my place there. It is the first church that i have ever sought to really be active in and change the lifes of those around me. I am very excited to see what God is going to do in me and in this place. Also, to see how he finds me the time to do things with the church, and ways to get to those things.
It's an adventure.. a different one then i pictured for myself, but one never the less. I like how Daddy does that, makes life more interesting. It will definitely be a year to remember. And we shall see how i do with blogging. I am a little ify about it.
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